Picking Your Surrogate: Breaking Down What’s Actually Important
I speak with Intended Parents (IP’s) almost every day that have the same question: What should I look for in a surrogate? Some already have preconceived notions as to what is important. Choosing a surrogate is something that should be done with the utmost thought and consideration. However, I sometimes see IP’s caught up on factors that may cause them to automatically dismiss a surrogate that would have been an incredible fit for them. So let’s break down what is actually important!
Pregnancy/Health History: YES
Perhaps the most important factor you want to look for when searching for a surrogate is her health and pregnancy history. We must remember that every pregnancy is different, however, a surrogate’s pregnancy history can give you a good indication as to how her body will handle another pregnancy. Knowing her history can also allow you to know whether she is at a higher or lower risk for pregnancy complications. You want to ask: Have her deliveries been full term without complication? Has she ever had any issues during pregnancy such as pre-eclampsia, gestational diabetes, or need for prolonged bedrest? When in doubt, always defer to your Reproductive Endocrinologist’s (RE’s) medical opinion. Your RE will have their own set of criteria for things they look for in a surrogate, so it is always good to have that information on hand!
Age: NO
Surrogates can be anywhere from the age of 21-45 years old according to ASRM (insert hyperlink here) and clinic guidelines. I have seen IP’s time and time again get caught up on wanting a “young” surrogate only, assuming that younger means healthier and more able. What is reiterated to these IP’s is that age is not necessarily an indicator of better health or ability to handle a pregnancy; their medical & pregnancy history is. I always give the example that we may have a 28 year old who hasn’t given birth in 7 years and gave birth prematurely, while I have a 38 year old who just delivered a healthy baby 1 year ago full term without complication. A RE would most likely feel more confident with the 38 year old given that she has recent pregnancy history that shows her body is still receptive and handles pregnancy well. One must also consider that surrogates should be done completing their own families prior to becoming a surrogate. This usually puts them at a more mature age. On that note, maturity is something that is an invaluable characteristic when it comes to a strong surrogate candidate. While age cannot define one’s maturity, one cannot deny that usually more life lived leads to more maturity and responsibility.
Married: NO
Is it important that a surrogate be married, or is it really about her support system? I have found that usually when an IP says they only want a married surrogate, they do so because they are assuming this means she will be better supported throughout her journey. While spouses can offer an abundance of support, one mustn’t dismiss the equal support a mother, friend, or partner can give as well. I usually use this example: I could have a married surrogate whose husband works 12 hour or graveyard shifts versus a surrogate who is single but lives with her retired mother or has her best friend next door that is always over. The latter surrogate would actually have the better support system for her journey. Having a strong support system is always something checked for and required to become a surrogate, so you may not want to automatically dismiss a candidate simply due to her marital status.
Ethnicity: NO
I have had IP’s request a specific ethnicity for their surrogate candidate. One must remember that the surrogate has no genetic link to the baby. She is simply a vessel for the baby to grow in. If perhaps one has preconceived characteristics that they associate a certain ethnicity to, then I advise the IP to list those specific characteristics that they either want or do not want, rather than list a specific ethnicity. This will lead you to finding the candidate that best suits what you value the most without potentially overlooking them based on ethnicity.
Location: YES and NO
When it comes to a surrogate’s location, one must consider the reasons you are looking for a specific area. If it is about travel costs or worrying that the surrogate will need to do too much traveling back and forth to your IVF clinic, then we have to clarify that the surrogate is only required to travel to your specific clinic for her medical screening and embryo transfer procedure, both of which are done prior to her being pregnant. All other appointments are done at a monitoring clinic local to the surrogate. Your RE would review same day results and give instructions accordingly. Given this, travel costs are rather minimal in the grand scheme of things, even if you are choosing an out of state surrogate from your clinic. If your reasons are about communication and the relationship with the surrogate, one should know that there are countless surrogates who match with intended parents that are international and who sometimes end up closer to the IP’s than surrogates who are matched with local IP’s. The relationship and communication with your surrogate will be completely up to what you and the surrogate foster. Given the use of Facetime, Zoom, texting, etc. one can still maintain a close relationship with someone living out of state; it is just a matter of the effort made to do so.
Now, there are reasons why location WOULD be important in choosing your surrogate. If your reason for wanting a local surrogate is because you actually physically want to be at her appointments, then location would definitely be something you would want to add as a requirement. Another factor to consider when it comes to location is wherever the surrogate resides, is where she will eventually deliver. So if you think being on standby in another state and being able to travel for the delivery would not be doable for you, finding a local surrogate would be essential to you. Lastly and most importantly, every state has their own set of laws regarding surrogacy. Depending on your marital status or whether your embryos were created using your own genes, can affect which states your surrogate can reside in due to the need to get a birth order judgement legally claiming you as the parents of the newborn. It is imperative that you seek legal counsel to know which states you can safely obtain a birth order judgement from.
While there are many other factors one can consider when picking a surrogate, one must take the time to reflect on what is most important to you. Sometimes it takes asking a hundred questions to find out what your thoughts and reasoning really are. It is only through deep discussion that one can find the harmony between what you value and what will actually bring you success. Never be shy about expressing what you want and need. It is your agency’s job to talk and guide you through everything, whether that be dispelling any myths or digging deeper into your inquisitions to find the core of what you are looking for.
La Vonna Kim Wyatt,
Surrogacy Program Director
La Vonna Kim Wyatt is the Surrogacy Program Director and has been inspiring her team for seven years.
